Quite often what we communicate doesn't exactly refect how we actually want. We would like the attention from our loved one but instead we say, "you just spend all the time watching football". Or when we want our team try harder but we complain to them to "stop chitchatting and make sure you finish checking up all the stock today."
"Communication from the heart" focuses on our true intention. If we know what we want, when we communicate, we will do it with sympathy without bias or seeing others are opponents, while trying to cater for every party's need. Dr. Marchall Rosenberg, the psychologist who created Non-violent Communication theory, said that languague is an important factor that can create violence, conflict or coopreation. He, thus, developed communication method that will lead on to thorough understanding and human's compassionate nature.
Listen before you speak
If you listen while using information from the past tp interpret it, your listening will be shut off from the beginning. But if you listen with an open mind and let the information flows in, you will start to feel a real sense of listening and hear what the speaker truly wants to communicate.
Communicate from the heart
The key to communicate from your heart, aside from finding our own true need, is to observe the event, express our feeling clearly and lastly, request for it .
Observation : We need to see the event through our own observation without trying to interpret, then explore our own feeling and plead for cooperation.
Express your feeling : The key is to use word to express the feelings. So it is important to know what you and the other are feeling. We will realise different feelings when our demand is reciprocated and when it isn't, it's not fair to blame the other of causing such feelings. If we verbally express what we feel clearly, tension can be eliminated and any emotional outburst can be avoided.
Request it : We can simply letting the other know what we want by simply asking. It is then up to the relationship between you and them whether your request will be fulfilled. But the key to making a request is to be prepared for rejection and be ready to talk things through to reach a mutual agreement.
Background : Somsri has seen her subordinates hung around chitchating from the time she went out to get some documents. She came back and found out the conversation was still going on. At the same time, she wants them to finish checking the stock by the end of the day.
Communicate from the heart : "I've seen you guys here since before I went away to get the documents. (observe and describle the event) I'm worried that we won't be able to deliver the goods on time. (express the feeling) or "I saw you guys talking, I'm worried that the stock won't get checked in time. Can you please make sure it's done by 5 p.m.?
Unproductive sentence, complain reproach : "How long do you plan on gossiping? Isn't there a work to do? Today's stock...will you be able to check it in time?"
Personal life scenario
A : " This morning, while I was talking to you about my issue at work, you just switch on the TV for football. (observation) I'm disappointed (express the feeling) because I need some understanding. (state the demand) Can you please just listen to me for ten miniutes?" (request)
B : "I've been so stressed out lately. I didn't notice that you have something you want to talk about. Let's hear it".
But if it's in a negative form as B might have listened to you often enough, A might have to pay attention to B's need and feeling too, for example:
A : "You are sick of (express the feeling) listening to the same old problems because you want to hear something that make you feel good right?" (state the demand)
Examples of definite and indefinite request sentences
At work : "Please arrive at work at 9.a.m." (definite)
"Don't be late again!" (indefinite)
"Please allow me to work on it for a week before I present it". (definite)
"I want to totally be myself, please don't ask to see it yet." (indefinite)
At home: "So you aren't going to help? Don't just sit and watch TV!" (definite)
"Dear, can you throw out the trash for me, please? I'm doing the dishes". (definite)
Communicate from the heart in't just about smooth talking or pretending to be so, it's about talking with understanding and listening attentively to other's needs. We might not be familiar with this communication srtrategy but if we start to work on it., the communication, which once was the cause of conflicts, will help fostering positive relationships at both individual and corporate levels.